Struggling to Suffer*

The application form has been sent and the confirmation email has been received. There's a little bit of serenity to feel because I have stayed up all night for almost two weeks to rewrite these essays. It reminds me of about six months ago, when I did the same thing: spending nights to convert memories in my head into words that eventually become a complete writing. Frankly, I’m afraid to face another failure. But I have finally decided that I won’t back off or just surrender. I’ve tried as hard as I can, and now is time to pray. I’ve just taken my ‘second-time’ small step tonight. There’s a prayer said to accompany this application, “God please give the best place for my sincerity.” By the time the form has just been sent successfully, an imagination beautifully painted inside my head.

***

I will be standing in front of the door of the classroom at a plain school building, waiting for my lovely shoeless-students to run and come closer. Their shirts and faces look dirty but the smiles and laughter sparkle naturally with no editing as I always see in some ‘commercial break’ of cosmetic products on television. The afternoon comes, the sun is gone, then we're all home. The collaboration of quiet night, the sound of night-insects and river at the back of traditional woody house play a melodious symphony. The people’s faces are just lit by dim kerosene-lamps. When the morning comes, we don’t have to watch and hear some irritating news of graft, bribery, and other corruption cases anymore. Life's so simple here, but I realize this kind of simplicity does bring happiness into my life. I talk to myself as I'm starring at the ceiling before going to sleep, "The kids here must get the best education. They have rights to be smart, enlightened, and to stand equally with their peers in other places. I hope some day there will be, at least one out of tens or two out of hundreds of children coming to school this morning who are brave to fight against injustice and bring a big change to their society.

***

I suddenly awake from my beautiful daydream. The night has deeply fallen and I begin to feel the cold. I pull the blanket and wrap almost the whole of my body. If only God opens this small path for me then I’ll be able to enjoy this comfortable bed and shining electrical lamps no more, at least for a year. Yet who wants not to exchange these comforts with a more real happiness?

Thursday, December 15, 2011

I wrote this note soon after sending my application form for Gerakan Indonesia Mengajar

*inspired by a title of book written by Jeffrey Lang, ‘Struggling to Surrender’